As I shared with you in a post back in April,  I’ve started a new venture, The Diva of Dating. I love talking about dating and sexuality for the over 50 crowd. To promote my new blog I’m spending time on Twitter and Facebook connecting with other bloggers and individuals who are either over 50, or talking about dating and online dating. I’ve been fortunate enough to meet one of the woman behind The Indie Chicks, a new blog for “Bad Ass Independent Women”.

And, today they’ll be featuring a guest post from The Diva–Over 50, Single and Dating-What You Need to Know. Pop over to read and take a look around their site–whether you want business resources, sex tips or ideas for health and fitness you will find it there at The Indie Chicks.

Love for Grown-Ups, The Garter Brides’ Guide to Marrying for Life When You’ve Already Got a Life is the collaboration of Ann Blumenthal Jacobs, Patricia Ryan Lampl and Tish Rabe. Business colleagues and long-time friends, the women supported each other through their dating experiences and celebrated together as each of the women got married. Why are they The Garter Brides? Bucking the tradition of throwing the garter, the first to marry gave it to her friend who then passed it along–starting a tradition.

Love For Grown-Ups is a compilation of tips, stories and suggestions to help the ‘mature’ woman as she transitions into being a newly married woman, all over again. The internet and the book world is rife with ‘how-to catch a man’ content. This book falls in this genre, but stands out for many reasons.

“We write this book because we believe that single women and men everywhere deserve to find each other, love each other and build richly satisfying lives together. It happened for us–and at a time in our lives when we least expected it. Age doesn’t matter? We’ve proved love can happen anytime, and we know it can happen for you.”

The Garter Brides speak from their experiences, offering suggestions that are easy to relate to and practical. If you’re contemplating marriage and have questions about step-parenting, blending households, finances or ex-spouses, this book offers practical tips on what to do. There are sections devoted to sharing holidays, custody issues, helping children understand the new relationship and how to find time for sex when the children are around. The suggestions of the authors are interwoven with examples from the hundreds of women interviewed for the book. Unlike those lofty books written by The Expert in that do as I say tone, this advice comes from women who have experienced each of these life events.

I think the chapters on dealing with his and your children are some of the best in the book. The chapter, Nice Roast Beef, Honey, But Did I mention My Daughter’s a Vegetarian?,  tackles the topic of “his” children. A romantic relationship often operates outside of the reality of day to day living, at least in the beginning. That moment when you are face to face with a partner’s children can introduce a stressful element into the relationship. Here you will find many practical tips on your role as the new girlfriend and the new step-mother.

Ann, Trish and Pat have chosen to narrow their focus on what they call ‘mature’ women–who bring additional challenges, or baggage, from a previous marriage. Learning to be the ‘new’ wife, blending households and dealing with in-laws and children who may resent your presence are all things the newly married woman is likely to encounter.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I was asked to review this book by TLC Book Tours. Upon reading the book (given to me by the promotion company) I realized that the book’s focus is a younger woman.  I don’t necessarily agree with the definition of a mature woman as someone in her late 30′s or early 40′s. Women in their late 50′s are not going to face many of these situations and may find the large emphasis on children and parenting less useful. Or at least that’s what I thought until I had a first date with a man in his late 50′s, just this weekend, who has…. yes, a 16 year old at home. So maybe I’ll be rereading some of those chapters.

There is a lot of focus on being a ‘good wife’ and additional emphasis on the girlfriend relationship–as a support system for the newly married woman. For me, a second marriage would be a partnership of two equals. I never really liked to view myself as “the wife”.  The connotation rankles a bit and admittedly, got in my way as I read the book. But. There are many women who seek a traditional marriage with the house and the minivan and all the trappings that go along with that. This book is written for them and offers tips on how to find that special one-

“Never give up on believing you’ll meet someone and become his wife. I never knew I could love someone like him or be loved by someone like him.”

Their emphasis on strong female friendships is evident throughout the book. We all seek that kind of best friend who will listen, offer support or at times offer the cautionary advice we need to hear.  These three women are a testimony to the strength of such relationships and remind us of the need for strong connections.

Women who are getting married for a second time or women who are marrying a man with children will find Love For Grown-Ups a practical, helpful book. No matter how romantic the relationship, the nitty-gritty reality of dealing with “The Ex” and his children  (and your children’s issues with the marriage) will create tensions. It’s inevitable. The book was written to help guide women through these transitions with practical tips, fun lighthearted stories and an overall sense of optimism.

This book comes at a time when the internet is full of dating advice and women are seeking help in finding their true love.  The Garter Brides offer a mix of practicality and hope for women who desire to remarry….at any age.

If you want to follow the authors of The Garter Brides, you’ll find them on Facebook and their website. This review is just one of many you can read over the next week or so of the book tour. If you want to see what others have to say about Love For Grown Ups, The Garter Brides’ Guide to Marrying for Life When You’ve already Got a Life, pop over to join the blog book tour.

How often do you find yourself saying, “I’m sorry”?  A lot? A little? Is there a pattern?

Women tend to say I’m sorry much more often than men. Men don’t ask permission. They don’t stand in front of the mirror and wonder if the suit makes their ass look big. Men don’t ask for advice. They just do it.

Every time we say “I’m sorry” it’s an admission of something that feels less than…It’s like saying we have a fault, a flaw, an inadequacy we feel the need to apologize for. Imagine that each time you say “I’m sorry” a little piece of your self fades away…

Stop apologizing for who you are.

I AM NOT SORRY FOR:

• Dyeing all my underwear purple at summer camp
• Dropping out of my graduate program because it was the wrong career move
• Divorcing for the purely selfish reason that I was unhappy
• Being the one who is always talking
• Not caring if my house is pristine and ‘designer’ decorated
• Saying no to things/activities/invitations that don’t excite me
• Procrastinating
• Talking and writing about sexuality
• Fiercely defending my children
• Being a little scatterbrained at times
• Wanting to have good sex at my age
• Thinking I have the right to be happy
• Whatever it is I’m about to do next

Do I regret some of my past decisions? Sure. What I regret most of all is what I didn’t do. All the choices I was afraid to make out of fear of being judged. Of found lacking. My fear that I didn’t deserve it.

Thankfully we get to rewrite our lives. We can make different choices. We don’t have to stay stuck, married, single, or in a dead-end job. We can choose to be happy. It starts with living a life free of regrets.

Thanks to Sandi of Deva Coaching for the inspiration.

If you read A Woman’s Page with any regularity then you know I’m single. My blog posts on dating have been scattered across the pages of A Woman’s Page for quite some time now–but somehow I didn’t seem to be capturing my the audience I wanted. So, I’ve started a new blog-The Diva of Dating.

As The Diva, I will be writing for women and men over the age of 50 who want some advice about dating. The blog will offer specific tips, general advice and information on dating and relationships with a few of my dating stories sprinkled in here and there.

Are the issues of dating at age 50 different from those of 40-49 year olds? Not much.  I do believe that single, divorced or widowed individuals of some maturity have different needs from the average 20-30 year old. We aren’t going to date in the same fashion, use the same styles or frequent the same dating sites. A growing number of ‘seniors’ or ‘boomers’ or ‘midlifers’–whatever we call ourselves–are entering the dating pool. Many are out of practice, feel awkward and frankly… need a little help. And, that’s where The Diva of Dating comes in.

I invite you to come and join in the conversation. It should be fun.

Mad Men. Love it. Hate it. I’ve just started watching the series from the beginning. And, I’m filled with a range of emotions– anger, sadness and frustration.

Series like this tend to suck me in and I begin to identify with the characters… choose sides, offer couch-advice. Cry with them, rant for them.

Most of the male characters are cheating on their wives! The ‘mistresses’ are portrayed as  sexy independent women whereas the wives are drab and bitchy. Sweet and demure on the surface, simmering underneath. But, in some ways as cold and calculating as the single women screwing their husbands. The women are reduced to mere playthings–objectified, and manipulated. To be fair, there are women manipulating their husbands and lovers.

The sultry, red-head Joan Harris represents the cleverest of the single women–out to get what she wants with a clear determination.  Her assets, shapely tucked into a girdle and a variety of tight red dresses, go beyond her looks. She is savvy and in many ways a successful role model, if you ignore the fact that she’s screwing her way through life.

It is a wonderful accurate portrayal of a bygone era. The episodes are perfectly suited for a class in gender studies–historical representation of our recent past. Husbands in collusion with their wives’ therapists. Women expecting to be satisfied with child-rearing as their destiny. It’s fascinating to watch.

It would be more comfortable to remind myself that it was in the past. The 60′s. We’ve come a long way, baby. But today’s headlines are terrifying reminders of how tenuous women’s rights are in a world still controlled, for the most part, by men.  Here we are in 2012 and revisiting women’s access to birth control and abortions. There is a new wave of politicians, sadly not just male ones, who would like to return us to the Mad Men era. In one of the first episodes, a young woman goes to see a doctor about birth control pills and gets a lecture about morality. Some of our current legislators would like to see those kinds of conversations today.  And, maybe that’s why watching Mad Men at this juncture brings up such righteous indignation.

Tonight as I watch a few episodes I’ll drink martinis and get all dreamy about Don Draper . I could imagine myself sighing at his eyes running over my body (not all that hard to imagine). And, I’ll get a little breathless hoping he’ll pick me as the office girl he wants to fondle behind closed doors. After I’ve finished typing all his correspondence, lying to his wife on the telephone and fighting off the lesser ad exec’s leering looks and gestures. And, maybe by the time I finish watching  Season Two I will understand how misguided I’ve been and will welcome a strong, domineering male presence in my life.

Take me, shape me. I’m a mere shell of a woman without your direction and control.

Your momma probably told you, ‘never talk to strangers’, right?

She was right.

The man you met on an online dating site and might be talking to in an email, instant messaging, or on the phone IS a stranger. And, don’t forget it.

You must remember that here on the internet anyone can say anything. I could be a 15 year old boy. How would you know? The man you’re talking to through one of the online sites may not be who you think he is.

A 50 year old sex offender can easily masquerade as a successful lawyer. He can grab a photo from Brooks Brothers and use it as his own! Until you have the full name and enough information to research him, he can be anyone he wants.

Your job as a savvy woman is to maintain a degree of caution.

I always question a charmer. My life experience has taught me that the number of truly charming men, without agendas, is small. Yes, in the first flurry of emails and phone chats, charming is nice and important. No one wants to be rude at that point. But, excesses of any type should be a clue that something might be amiss.

Whether you’re 25 or 55, caution is necessary. You have to protect yourself. You have to be smart about dating.

I’ve said some of this before, but it bear repeating:

• Do not use your full name in a dating profile or the first few emails. Make sure you’re comfortable with the person before you give out too much  personal information. I don’t even give out my first name until we’ve had a few conversations, but I have an unusual name.

• You make the first phone call and block your number. Most cell phones allow you to block your phone number. Tell him you’re going to do that and if he seems offended or doesn’t understand your wish to be cautious, let that be a red flag.

• Schedule the first meeting for some place very public. Consider a coffee date rather than dinner. Don’t get caught in a situation where you might have to struggle through a whole meal with someone you can’t converse with.
• When you meet, park your car in a well-lit, public spot. You might consider not having him walk you to your car.

• Make sure someone knows you’re going on a date and who you’re going with. Give them some information about your date, where you’re going, etc.

Does this seem alarmist? Too cautionary? No. It’s common sense. It’s about being practical and safe.

Let’s say you agree to meet Joe Date for dinner. He shows up in a grubby t-shirt, is 30 lbs. heavier and 10 years older. He lied about being a lawyer. Now you’ve got to either extract yourself gracefully or suffer through dinner. Do you want him to know where you live? To walk down the dark side street with you, to your car?

I met Joe Date. He was a lawyer, I confirmed that. I got his last name, I knew where he went to college–I googled him! But he was about 12 years older, 3 inches shorter and had 3 ex-wives. And, at dinner (yes, I broke my own rule) he told me about having sex with wife #2, I think, over 10,000 times. He was a great conversationalist and could have been fun. But, he obviously had an agenda and was willing to be dishonest about several things in order to meet me. I chose not to see him again.

Be smart. Don’t rush into the first date. Take your time, chat and explore each other in a leisurely fashion before that first date. And, if he’s too eager and won’t wait, your instincts should tell you there’s a problem. Dating should be fun.

Stories to share?

Sometimes the answer comes before we even know what the question is.

Last night an email and a follow-up phone conversation left me in my typical slippy-slidey place. As if by divine intention, Danielle LaPorte’s burning question, “What boat do you need to burn?” arrived with the kick I needed to shape my answer.

I want to be powerful. In firm control of my life. Yet I have this tendency to give in to others, to mute my wishes and desires. To be the good girl.

Accommodate

Squash

Silence

Demur.

And, when it comes to relationships, I’m often the doormat for my own happiness.

Blame it on my mother. Blame it on Southern traditions for young girls in the 50′s and 60′s. Blame it on fear of being a strong single 57 year old woman.

I’m burning that f*#@ing boat TODAY.

No more squishy territory. I will define what I want for my life and make it happen.

I will state my wishes and desires firmly.

I refuse to give up my vision of a future, in order to please someone else.

I will dare to be bold and sassy. And, not care when someone threatens to tell my mommy.

No boat needed for this  journey. I envision myself walking across the waves (in a non-irreverent way).

Got any boat burning and future shaping you need to do?

Are you looking for love?

Do you know what you want? I mean, do you really know what you want.

Are you sometimes swayed by the profile and all the promises, even though the basic incompatibility is lacking?  Does a great photo make you weak in the knees?  Do you get swept away by a catchy headline or a list of books or movies that coincide with yours? Even though he owns 3 snakes and has 3 ex-wives.

That moment where rationalization sidetracks us from our purpose.

How many times have you caught yourself thinking 100 miles isn’t that far away? Or agreeing to meet a smoker even though you hate cigarette smoke? Letting yourself be swept away with some simple romantic gesture.

I recently caught myself in Rationalization mode. I have no doubt we would have been well-matched intellectually, philosophically and in many other areas. But. I forgot the key words, “I Want”. I was about to meet a man who I knew, deep down, wasn’t what I wanted…

“It’s complicated….”

“We lead separate lives…”

I had a moment of clarity. Granted it took me three half-hearted email attempts before I finally cancelled the date.   Self to self: “You know what you want. This is not it.” Why sacrifice my own desires and wants for something tenuous, not quite right?

Dating is tough. Online dating is 10 times tougher. A handsome face, a sharp intellect (my aphrodisiac), beautiful wordsmithing…. You make yourself think he has what you want. But you know, deep down inside, that it just ain’t gonna work!

Get clear on what you want

Don’t settle. Figure out what you want. Sit down with pen and paper and start writing, I want____  (fill in the blank).  Fill the page. Ramble, doodle, draw it out and keep writing.

Ask for the moon, be selfish. Do a big old Me, Me, Me. Condense, clarify, eliminate, amplify, expand. Turn the list into the attributes of the right person for you.

The word cloud is my list. It includes what I want to have and what I refuse to do or accept. I suggest you not focus on negatives. I used them as a counterpoint to shaping a more me-centered approach.

How can you know what to look for if you don’t know what you want?  Are you going to be tempted by a chuck roast if your tastebuds are hungering for a big, fat juicy Ribeye? I don’t think so.

Get what YOU want.

Cialis has changed their ad strategy–Finally!  The old ad drove me absolutely crazy. Unrealistic and cheesy, we were supposed to believe that a couple experiencing an intimate moment would truly head off to wander through the amusement park instead of ripping each others clothes off. Really? And, what’s with the bathtubs?

It seems to me that if he’s just gotten meds for his erectile dysfunction and finds himself in a moment of arousal he’s going to act on it. Now. Most men I know don’t or won’t delay gratification for very long. An erection is, after all, a moment of celebration for a man. Like a little boy at his own birthday party. Me! Me!

The new Cialis ads are sexier and (more) realistic. They portray couples with a believable level of affection and actions which naturally lead to intimacy–like cuddling or dancing together. No sense of urgency, but at least the viewer believes the couple are in the early stages of desire.

The makers of Cialis want us to understand the way this medication works. It’s not an instant, let’s-get-it-on event. You have 36 hours in which to enjoy all the pleasure you can cram into that time period (yes, intentional pun). You can ease into intimacy and enjoy pleasurable activities knowing that when you’re ready the erection will be there. This differs from Viagra, which has a more limited time range. You can’t take it with breakfast in anticipation of a quickie at 2 PM.

The old and the new ads for Cialis are essentially the same. They just stripped out the gimmickry and gave us what we really want to see–a natural progression, foreplay of a more mature sort, that leads to sex when the couple is ready. Or as the ad says, “when the moment is right”.

Understanding How It Works

Recently a friend asked me about these medications, she wanted to know about sex with a man who experiences erectile dysfunction. Her questions were pretty simple and made me realize that many people don’t understand how the meds work in the bedroom.

Medications like Cialis and Levitra increase blood flow to the penis allowing for a harder erection. The erection doesn’t just pop up!  It comes on with sexual stimulation. In other words, arousal has to be present. Will the medicines help a couple with a failing sex life? Not if the issue is lack of desire, that’s a different discussion. Though a lack of desire could stem from physiological problems, his or hers. That’s why seeing a doctor about the issue is important. My disclaimer.

For some men the meds start to work in as little as 20 minutes. Response time will vary based on dosage and the individual. And, the situation. The erection should go away completely after ejaculation. But, here’s the exciting part…at least for some of us. With sufficient arousal he can usually get another erection in the same evening. Timing depends on so many factors that it would be hard to predict how quickly. You could have late afternoon sex, cook a meal together, linger over dinner and then be ready for sex again. The erection should be as hard as it was earlier in the evening. I don’t have evidence to support this, but I bet if you woke up in the middle of the night he could be ready to go again, if you really wanted.

I’ve heard men say that they feel a residual effect in days following–for those who aren’t using the meds on a daily basis. Truth or posturing?  Is that more about ego or a physiological effect of the medication? Who knows.  But I know the inability to get and/or maintain an erection is frustrating for some men and their partners. Regaining some of that youthful virility would be a boost to anyone’s ego.

I’m not the expert here. I am simply a woman who stayed at a Holiday Inn Express—with a man and his Cialis.

Something monumental happened in the state of Virginia yesterday.  Presented with an anti-abortion bill that would require women to have an ultrasound before getting an abortion, Senator Janet Howell attached an amendment mandating a cardiac stress test and a rectal exam for men seeking to obtain a prescription for erectile dysfunction medicine. It was a brilliant attempt to counterbalance the invasive and unnecessary use of ultrasounds as a way to deter women from seeking abortions. Actually,  some men should have cardiac testing before going on a drug that alters blood flow and activity levels. The rectal exam? Women are tired of men sticking it to us–why not turn the other cheek.

The bill failed in a vote of 21 to 19, but the point was made. One of 7 women in the Virginia Senate, Howell was joined by 5 of her fellow female Senators in voting for the bill. Republican Senator, Jill Vogel who introduced the mandatory ultrasound bill, voted against the amendment.  In an interview  by The Huffington Post, Howell stated that she knew the bill wouldn’t pass. “This is more of a message type of an amendment, so I was pleased to get 19 votes,” she said.

As a fellow Virginian, I applaud her moxie. Virginia is a conservative state and the anti-abortion legislation is slowly creeping in. Women are seeing an erosion of their rights across this country and I find it scary. If we had more women representing the people in our state and in our nation, I think we might have a more people-focused agenda with less emphasis on building arsenals and garnering power in the hands of a few. But, that’s just my opinion.

I don’t live in Senator Howell’s district, but I plan to write her, nonetheless, to express my admiration and support.