Something monumental happened in the state of Virginia yesterday.  Presented with an anti-abortion bill that would require women to have an ultrasound before getting an abortion, Senator Janet Howell attached an amendment mandating a cardiac stress test and a rectal exam for men seeking to obtain a prescription for erectile dysfunction medicine. It was a brilliant attempt to counterbalance the invasive and unnecessary use of ultrasounds as a way to deter women from seeking abortions. Actually,  some men should have cardiac testing before going on a drug that alters blood flow and activity levels. The rectal exam? Women are tired of men sticking it to us–why not turn the other cheek.

The bill failed in a vote of 21 to 19, but the point was made. One of 7 women in the Virginia Senate, Howell was joined by 5 of her fellow female Senators in voting for the bill. Republican Senator, Jill Vogel who introduced the mandatory ultrasound bill, voted against the amendment.  In an interview  by The Huffington Post, Howell stated that she knew the bill wouldn’t pass. “This is more of a message type of an amendment, so I was pleased to get 19 votes,” she said.

As a fellow Virginian, I applaud her moxie. Virginia is a conservative state and the anti-abortion legislation is slowly creeping in. Women are seeing an erosion of their rights across this country and I find it scary. If we had more women representing the people in our state and in our nation, I think we might have a more people-focused agenda with less emphasis on building arsenals and garnering power in the hands of a few. But, that’s just my opinion.

I don’t live in Senator Howell’s district, but I plan to write her, nonetheless, to express my admiration and support.

Note: This post contains educational, but explicit, language that may be offensive to some.

Is there such a thing as best practices for sexual activity between consenting adults? There are certainly considerations such as respect, consent and reciprocity, but no absolutes. Sexual practice hasn’t changed much over the years- there are no modern advances that have changed the fundamentals of lovemaking–with the exception of medication and contraception. We apply the same basic Insert Part A into Part B across the span of years.

For couples, both heterosexual and same sex, the dynamics change with age. A proud, virile 22 year old male may approach an evening of sex with the idea of having two or three orgasms. A female partner will consider birth control but most likely won’t contemplate the need for lubrication. Whereas, a 60 year old male might be grateful for one orgasm.

Websites that focus on healthy sexuality are full of questions and concerns from women and men about their sexual life. Some of the questions are medically related and many reveal lack of desire, mismatched expectations and other issues that 20-somethings rarely encounter or contemplate. Erectile dysfunction medicines can be prescribed and lubricants can be purchased. Those cover the basic problems we frequently encounter as late-in-life lovers, mainly focused on the act of intercourse and leaving out a wide array of options that might be more satisfying. I wrote on this topic in Sex After 50, Let’s Focus On the Positive Aspects of Sexuality,  a blog post on Vibrant Nation, a website for older women.

I wonder, are we approaching sex with goal-oriented behavior? From a best practices model, the goals would need to be defined and shaped by the circumstances. As noted earlier, the 60-70 year old male cannot meet the same goals he could when he was 22, even with Viagra. Women who have difficulty achieving orgasms may find that even more challenging with age, due to menopausal changes and a partner’s sexual functionality.  Couples find themselves experiencing frustrations based on this concept of what sex has always been defined as–by the media, by their past encounters, by cultural expectations. We have been told and therefore expect intercourse to be the main and often, only, vehicle for sexual satisfaction.

If the goal of a sexual encounter between two people over the age of 50 is to have intercourse-driven sex then anything less could be deemed a failure. If the goal is to achieve mutual satisfaction and pleasure the various methods and outcomes are broadened. No one need walk away feeling frustrated or as if they ‘failed’ somehow.

For example–He can get an erection but it’s not sufficient to allow for penetration. Yes, he could get one of the 3 ED drugs: Viagra, Cialis or Levitra. But, it may be that he can be aroused and, happily, brought to orgasm manually or orally. Touch, partial insertion, and other stimulating activities using toys or body parts can bring a high level of satisfaction. Many women find the act of pleasing a man to be very sexy and report arousal at giving that kind of pleasure. Playing together, a couple might be able to achieve mutual pleasure that may not meet the traditional definition of a sexual encounter. With or without orgasm for one or both partners.  Admittedly, this is easier for women to accept as we have much more experience with satisfying sexual encounters that may not include orgasms.

Life is one long journey of adjustments and adaptations. Why would we expect our sexual experiences to be excluded? Our youthful impulsivity is tempered by all the responsibilities and challenges of growing older. But at each step in our journey we can and should strive for meaningful experiences–in and out of the bedroom. Our desire may change subtly and our physiological changes may present the need for some creative thinking in the bedroom. It is our perception, our understanding of mutual gratification that allows us, at any age, to have meaningful sexual experiences with our partners.

So, yes there is a best practices approach to sex and sexuality after age 50. Be open to exploring the depths of your relationship. Whether it’s a one-night stand or a 30 year marriage, bringing happiness and mutual joy is the best thing we can do for ourselves and our partner. It is achievable once we let go of more conventional thinking about what constitutes sexual activity and create our own definition.

How has the passage of time changed your sexual relationship? If you don’t want to comment publically,  email your answer and I’ll post it anonymously.

photo found on minnpost.com

As I may have mentioned, I’ve been invited to blog at Vibrant Nation, a website for women over 50. I blog there for visibility and the opportunity to engage with a wider audience. Today I wrote a post about sex, menopause and women over 50. Here’s an excerpt from the post, entitled : Sex After 50- Let’s Focus On the Positive Aspects of Sexuality.

For women who are going through menopause or have safely arrived on the other side, there are so many confusing messages about sex. Add being single to the mix and you often feel a little like Alice in Wonderland.

It’s one thing to go through life changes and concerns about sagging body parts with a long-term partner who has experienced the passage of time with you. But, to start a new relationship and consider sex with a new person is daunting. Will he be turned off by the less than taut body or the drooping breast line. What if….. what if…..  It requires a little mental preparation to head into the world of sex after 50.

Will he be able to have an erection? Suppose he’s flabby and covered with little skin tags and odd patches of white hair? Most conversations about sex after 50 focus on the issues women might have. A recent Vibrant Nation blog by Susan Lee Ward (the persona of VN) talks about the sexual problems older women face.  The article is well written and I’m sure it addresses issues experienced by some post-menopausal women. And, since the point of the article is to address the topic of dyspareunia and other problems it is right on target. I say this respectfully, but the article is a bit of a scare for older women. It sounds as if we’re all having painful intercourse and might expect other problems. Or that if we don’t have sex our vaginas will atrophy and close up!  Good heavens. Should I run out and ‘jump’ the mailman if he stops by today?   To read the rest of the article…..

I’m challenged with my Intentional Selfishness program right now. I haven’t journaled or followed the 66 days activities in over a week.  And, it may be that this very lack of connectedness is contributing to my feelings of the moment.

As the holidays roll around I can feel myself being buffeted by expectations and the general sense of what an ‘ideal’ holiday is meant to be like. I don’t buy into all the commercial hoopla but it does seep in, at some level.

And, of course mine won’t be anywhere near a traditional holiday season..not in that way… one son lives too far away to come home and there is a sense of emptiness for me tied into my feelings about being single. I live alone in a house that is too big for me but not very sell-able at this time in our real estate market. It needs work and a good bit of upkeep which I don’t feel like dealing with. I rattle around all alone and have to figure out ways to deal with things that require two sets of hands or someone with more physical strength than I have. Think Christmas tree, for one.  Realistically, the appearance of a man upon the scene would brighten things up, but that alone is no real guarantee of anything. It’s challenging to fight that feeling of wanting more and wondering why I don’t have it.

My life is pretty good, though the last few weeks have brought a plethora of annoying malfunctions-from the coffee pot which mysteriously begins to grind coffee, to an unexplainable malfunctioning laptop ( which turned out to be a faulty wireless mouse, not laptop)  to the fuel oil tank which ran dry on a cold Friday night at 7:31 PM.  They’re not major, though highly inconvenient and without a doubt heaping stress where none was invited.  I can list all the good things I have, the positives in my life yet when one feels the absence of something it can take on a disproportionate sense of imbalance. And, the holidays tend to exaggerate that for me.

So, I’ve been being selfish…but in the wrong kind of fashion. I’ve been feeling sorry for myself and looking at the gray hair and growing mid-line and wondering about my future. More wallowing than intentional thought. I know that holidays can be challenging for single people. And, I’m sure there is an antidote to the feelings.

I look forward to seeing one of my children and his family. I get to play grandma and as the little ones get older it becomes more fun. And I’ll focus on creating memories for the young ones, like my childhood memories.  For the moments between the family get-togethers I’ll just have to come up with some creative ideas for what would nourish me appropriately.

One would think that with a full weekend I would have done a little more in-depth self care. Wrong. For some reason this weekend I needed to break my routines-sleep late, ignore some responsibilities and have no charted path. So, maybe in some ways I was following the Intentional Self-Care routine to the max?

I’ve spent too much time this week and almost all of Saturday dealing with an ailing computer. It was a major drain on my time, my money and my resources. But, as a writer, a functional, dependable computer is a necessity. I’m writing this post on a new computer. Sigh.

I find it hard to talk about selfishness in a way that doesn’t sound needy or selfish. I”m fulfilling my obligations-all of them-even the few that I don’t like. Even the one or two things in my life that bring me down and fill me with frustration and avoidance tactics. Why? Well, for the moment, they are obligations. Today I did some deep searching and have decided to get out of one of these situations. It doesn’t feel right. It’s really as simple as that. I’m doing something that doesn’t engage me or make me happy. And, I can’t see any real reason to continue down this path. It is a bit of a leap, but I’m used to these by now.

Tomorrow I will have the conversations that need to be had and then maybe I can talk about it. What’s important and what justified this post is about honoring self. I listened to my intuition. My face was pleasant and alert and conveyed, I hope, a “Can Do” attitude. With a little distance, and reflection I know I’m kidding myself and shortchanging others. I could go on with a list of excuses- I’m too old to do this, it stresses me….etc.

Ya wanna know what the real truth is? I’m doing something that doesn’t fit with my vision of myself. It doesn’t feel right and the reasons I’m doing it aren’t compelling enough for me to continue. If the whole 66 Days of Self-Care offer me nothing but this, it will have been well-worth my time. I’ve got clarity. No rhythm, but I’ve got clarity.

Joke, right. You got it didn’t you? No?

My first week of  the 66 days of self-care, or as I’m calling it, Intentional Selfishness went pretty smoothly. I’ve been taking time to listen, breathe and think with more care this week. I’m journaling and stretching each morning and enjoying that time of reconnection. Normally I roll out of bed on autopilot and stay that way all day. These exercises are helping me shift my focus.

The week held more activity than usual but I managed to keep to my plan. On Thursday I took a quick walk after work, squeezing it in before a 6:30 drink with an old friend. I grabbed my iPod, downloaded with an audio book from the library, and my earbuds and set off. But before I got out of the driveway I realized that listening to the story would distract me from the intent of the walk-to experience nature. I stopped my story and simply walked. The trees are still about half full now, though the colors seem to be muddying as they die. A slight breeze made it seem as if the trees were murmuring as I walked past. It was delightful.

I thought about the way I use music and sound in my everyday life. I’ve slipped into a couch potato routine recently. My excuse is always a needlepoint project, which seems to go beautifully with television.  I don’t or can’t really stitch to silence. So I turn on the television for distraction, a place to get lost in story. That’s not always a bad thing, but it often keeps me stuck in a pattern of non-accomplishment. Aside from the needlepoint.  I often spend the whole evening watching reruns of NCIS or the offerings on TMC and then I feel guilty about laundry or dishes or something.

I set some limits on television during the week so I began listening to music. I had forgotten how responsive I can be to music-it jazzes me up and it gives me a sense of tranquility. Magically, when I’ve got the music on, most often with iPhone and earbuds, I feel occupied. Busy, untethered.  I feel less like the old woman who lives in the shoe-all by herself. I can’t quite explain what I mean-but it’s an appreciable difference.  What I need to deal with next is the absence of sound- I need to begin to relish silence, to be able to sit comfortably with myself, with nature, with the creaks and moans of my house, acorns dropping on the deck, the sounds of the trees rubbing against each other. I want to appreciate the wonderful opportunity silence offers one’s soul.

The weekend offered me many opportunities for work and recreation (which means that I had a long to-do list) yet I managed to achieve a balance.  One of my goals for these next 50-plus days is to practice being present to who I am, to appreciate this particular moment and all it has to offer. Not as a rationalization about age and wisdom gained, or some salve to put on the wounded me that wonders why I’m still single. But, silence as a nourishing part of life-a time when nature and I exist side by side. When I settle into accepting all that I have in my life and acknowledge what I still want.

Selfishness, noun: the quality or state of being selfish; lack of consideration for other people:an act of pure selfishness

Selfish, adjective:  (of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for other people; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure

According to the Oxford Online Dictionary, selfish or selfishness are not very nice words. They imply a lack of consideration, a neglect or denial of everyone else around one’s self in order to derive some sense of personal satisfaction. Well, I disagree.  Though yesterday, after posting the article Intentional Selfishness I had a momentary thought of what people might think about that term-and, logically, me.

Yes, there is a type or degree of selfish behavior that could be termed greedy or self-serving in an unappealing way. Sending the kids off to school without breakfast or lunch because you’ve decided to sleep in is selfish behavior that could lead to dire results. Try explaining the need to indulge one’s self to Social Services.

For the purpose of my Intentional Selfishness adventure, I’m going to need to help us all redefine what it means to be intentional in behavior. And, to adopt a plan that is dedicated to self- with an end goal of taking care of ourselves in a way that means we make decisions based purely on what we need. I do not intend to neglect my obligations or ignore stray cats in the road or show up late to work.

I am committing to the following for the next 66 days:

• I will make decisions that will benefit my life goals.
• I will not feel obligated to keep quiet, go along with, or give up my hopes and dreams just to make someone else happy.
• I will meditate daily in order to stop that busy brain of mine from endlessly chattering.
• Drinking more water and less of other less healthy fluids-coffee and alcohol.
• Eating more intentionally- no more eating breakfast while playing solitaire online.
• I will write in my journal every day and continue with my gratitude journal every morning.
• I will keep a list of all those self-negating thoughts to review the patterns that tend to keep me stuck.
• Say “No” more often.
• Write my vision statement with a series of steps for achieving my desired outcome.
• Plan my expenditures  in a way that supports my vision.
• Remember to focus on one day at a time, slowly and with ‘self’ in the forefront of my thoughts and actions.

This feels more than ambitious enough for now. If you want to join along you’ll find the 66 Days to Self-Care over at DevaCoaching. And, for a dose of something slightly more sassy- join me in Intentional Selfishness.

I’m often skeptical of people who state “The Universe will provide for…..”. Surely we have to do our own work, take definitive action and seek out change. Yet, sometimes…

I woke up this morning achy and uncomfortable-actually, it was that achiness that woke me. After an 8 and 1/2 hour sleep, much needed, I woke up feeling like I’d been in bed too long. As I lay there, relishing the ability to languish, I thought about my body and what it was trying to tell me. Too many dates with Ben and Jerry, too many nights with a glass, or two, of wine and too little movement. It’s an at-home day of writing assignments, stuck in front of the computer-but the perfect opportunity to fast.  Coffee (of course), V-8 juice, water and maybe some broth.

I was formulating this plan for the day as I got the coffee made and booted up the computer. For some reason I decided to sign into my Twitter account, where I immediately spotted a tweet about 66 Days of Self-Care. So, I went to the blog site of Deva Coaching and found her lamentations about taking care of her body and her plan for 66 days of daily writing exercises, movements and other activities designed to nourish and stretch the body. Wow. Just what I was looking for- and here was a structured program I could follow to achieve the very thing I’d contemplated minutes earlier.

The program looks to be more heavily focused on movement and exercise than I think I want. But, I need structure to bring about change and with some additions and modifications, I will have a daily focus for making some changes in my routine and care of my body.

This wasn’t really a coincidence. It couldn’t have been, right? Is there a  benevolent God or Goddess helping move me along? If I’d gotten out of bed 15 minutes earlier or later DevaCoaching’s post would have been buried along with dozens of other messages and I would have missed it. I’ve been clearing things out of my life lately, letting go of those things and habits that aren’t serving me. That has created the space for me to look at the essentials and decide what is important in my life.The timing is perfect.

Starting Monday I’ll begin the 66 days of selfcare. I’ll be posting during this process-to talk about what it feels like to indulge in what I’m calling Intentional Selfishness. It’s not often that we give ourselves permission to take care of ourselves. We have excuses and other demands on our time; we often feel guilty saying “I’m doing this for me.” But, we deserve it, we’ve earned the right to take some time just for ourselves. This won’t be a 66 day retreat from the world, but rather a shifting of priorities and a heightened awareness of self. I’m looking forward to this.  The term Intentional Selfishness has a delightful ring to it. This excites me even more than the idea of getting in touch with my body.

Blogging has been a way for me to practice my writing, educate myself and reach out to the world.  It’s a way to express my delights and frustrations as well as a vehicle for sharing and informing. Like most of us I have met many wonderful people through my blogging who bring humor and enlightenment to my life.

Renee of Life in the Boomer Lane is one of those women bloggers I enjoy immensely. She has a delightful blog which shows the humorous side of midlife. Recently she awarded me The Versatile Blogger award, an award that urges me to tell you 7 things about myself. So here we go, these should be things that most of you would not know.

1. I am left-handed and the only one in my whole extended family.
2. I am a recovering (expensive) shoe addict.
3. I love the New York Times crossword puzzle.
4. My favorite childhood books were The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe and The Secret Garden.
5. The movie I’ve seen most often in my life is The Wizard of Oz, followed by The English Patient.
6. I secretly lust for Taj Mahal, the blues singer. Just listen to Josephine and you’ll feel some of his energy.
7. I have a Masters in Educational Psychology but have never worked in a school system.

As bloggers we can shape our public image by what we write about and what we don’t write about. It can be all to portray the rosier side of life, to erase our wrinkles and smooth out issues and flaws. The older I get, the less inclined I am to pretty things up. I think one of my ‘imperative’, if you will, is to be honest about the issues women face in midlife. I’ve shared my story, here and in other blogs, of divorce, dating, parenthood and  the aging process.  We can’t turn back the clock and in my opinion we do ourselves and all women a disservice by pretending to be younger, shapelier and happier than we really are. Let’s look reality in the face, conquer it, delight in ourselves and enjoy what we have. That’s what I hope to do with my life at this point and I want to share that with you.

The old saying, “History repeats itself” takes on a scarier note as we look at what is happening to women’s rights and events in our own country. And a sequencing of two stories from NPR a few mornings ago pushed that point home to listeners.

The first story was a review of  two new television series debuting this season, The Playboy Club and Pan Am. Story lines, influenced by the success of Mad Men, which visit our past. Both take a look at women in the 60′s-objectified and required to pass rigorous standards for beauty in order to get the job.  I’m not sure I’ll watch them but there may be an important message imbedded in these stories, one that could give younger women an appreciation for the rights they now possess…and help them understand what we’ve overcome.

The second story was about the rights women have fought for over the past decades, which are gradually being eroded by conservative Christian politicians.  The rights to control our own bodies. In Texas, under the leadership and approval of Gov. Rick Perry, more than 2/3 of the funding for women’s health clinics is being eliminated. These are clinics for poor women, clinics which provide testing and examinations for women and give out birth control. They are not abortion clinics, however because they will refer a pregnant teen to an abortion clinic they are being severely targeted. The money will now be redirected to Crisis Pregnancy centers. These pregnancy centers are not medical programs, though according to the story they are often decorated to appear medical in nature. The news story focused on a crisis pregnancy center housed in a Baptist Church, which will now receive governmental funding. The  reporter indicated that centers are preparing to ramp up services to help all the anticipated pregnant teens as a result of the elimination of access to birth control and medical care.

It makes one shudder. In a state with one of the highest rates of uninsured people in the country and a significant rate of teen pregnancy, women are going to suffer the burden of this decision. Women will have fewer mammograms, screening for cervical cancer and birth control options. This is happening in the United States. The actions of the Texas legislature and their Governor, a 2012 Presidential contender, are taking women back to the 60′s.

How is it, that in 2011, in the greatest country on earth ( according to many) we still have so many people without health insurance?  Why is it that  a growing number of women are being denied access to the right medications and the right to control their own bodies?  And, why does the United States rank as one of the highest in the world for teen pregnancies? Is this really what makes us a great country?

Let’s not glorify a time and place where women were mere objects, fighting for rights and access to birth control. I don’t see anything particularly appealing about women who have to play the sex bunny to make a living. Maybe there  is a lesson for the younger generation of women-we have come a long, long way. But, this current wave of fervent religious thinking is on the attack. We are losing the rights to control the destinies of our own bodies.