I’m challenged with my Intentional Selfishness program right now. I haven’t journaled or followed the 66 days activities in over a week. And, it may be that this very lack of connectedness is contributing to my feelings of the moment.
As the holidays roll around I can feel myself being buffeted by expectations and the general sense of what an ‘ideal’ holiday is meant to be like. I don’t buy into all the commercial hoopla but it does seep in, at some level.
And, of course mine won’t be anywhere near a traditional holiday season..not in that way… one son lives too far away to come home and there is a sense of emptiness for me tied into my feelings about being single. I live alone in a house that is too big for me but not very sell-able at this time in our real estate market. It needs work and a good bit of upkeep which I don’t feel like dealing with. I rattle around all alone and have to figure out ways to deal with things that require two sets of hands or someone with more physical strength than I have. Think Christmas tree, for one. Realistically, the appearance of a man upon the scene would brighten things up, but that alone is no real guarantee of anything. It’s challenging to fight that feeling of wanting more and wondering why I don’t have it.
My life is pretty good, though the last few weeks have brought a plethora of annoying malfunctions-from the coffee pot which mysteriously begins to grind coffee, to an unexplainable malfunctioning laptop ( which turned out to be a faulty wireless mouse, not laptop) to the fuel oil tank which ran dry on a cold Friday night at 7:31 PM. They’re not major, though highly inconvenient and without a doubt heaping stress where none was invited. I can list all the good things I have, the positives in my life yet when one feels the absence of something it can take on a disproportionate sense of imbalance. And, the holidays tend to exaggerate that for me.
So, I’ve been being selfish…but in the wrong kind of fashion. I’ve been feeling sorry for myself and looking at the gray hair and growing mid-line and wondering about my future. More wallowing than intentional thought. I know that holidays can be challenging for single people. And, I’m sure there is an antidote to the feelings.
I look forward to seeing one of my children and his family. I get to play grandma and as the little ones get older it becomes more fun. And I’ll focus on creating memories for the young ones, like my childhood memories. For the moments between the family get-togethers I’ll just have to come up with some creative ideas for what would nourish me appropriately.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
I think it’s those little things that are hardest to deal with than the major things, when they hit you one after another like you’ve experienced. I think a little wallowing is to be expected! Enjoy being with your son and grandkids!
Sometimes a good wallow is just what a person needs. I find that fighting the dumps at a certain point becomes counter-productive. Besides it seems to me that your feelings are absolutely appropriate for this time of year.
I agree. I usually find something that needs to be done and get focused. I also find that upbeat music gets the positive energy flowing!