As young girls we were raised on Disney, and the vision of ourselves as Cinderella, Snow White, or Sleeping Beauty, just marking time until our Prince Charming arrived. In a time when marriage was the norm and our knowledge of ‘wife’ was crafted from Lassie, The Donna Reed Show and Leave it to Beaver, finding the right man was a worthy life goal for any good little girl.
By the time I graduated from high school in 1972 things were changing in our world, but not so much in my southern, small town environment. Marriage was a desirable thing and the right man…he would make everything a dream come true.
Divorce? Surely not. How had “I” failed as a woman in that venue? Our duty as wives was to make things work, men weren’t expected to be emotionally invested. I had a good husband with a good job, he did the hard work, I did the small stuff. Keep the house clean, provide sex, and feed the crew. Job well done.
At the height of my unhappiness I yearned for my Prince Charming. I actually thought I might see him in the distance if I looked and tried hard enough. The right man would rescue me from my miseries and make everything disappear with his kiss. I should have been focused on Glinda, she had it right when she told Dorothy she held the secret to her own power all along.
We hold the power to our own destiny, our happiness in life, and anyone who says otherwise is still living in the Wonderful World of Disney. The challenge can be great if external voices are pressuring you to defer to another, stay in the job with a controlling boss, refuse to leave an abuser, give up your dreams… and sadly the voice might be that of a preacher, parent, adult child, or good friend. Often times it’s spoken with the best of intentions and sometimes not. When one of us rocks the boat, and defies acceptable norms it causes discomfort. Things subtly shift as they did in the 60′s and 70′s when women began to challenge the status quo. Women who came out and said they didn’t need a Prince Charming. My version of that was to learn to change the oil in my car, and to take a job driving a bus. But, I couldn’t let go of the ‘Rescue me’ thing. I thought I needed a man.
Years and years have passed and I’ve finally worked through that one. I have a clear understanding of what my wants and needs are in a relationship. And, I have enough self-respect and self-love to know when to stay and when to move on. The lesson I wish I’d learned early on was communication. Clear, honest, direct communication. For example, “I’m feeling pretty upset about the way our last conversation ended and I’d like to share what I think.” as opposed to, “Boy you made me mad last night, you don’t…..(fill in the blank)” The difference is the speaker’s ownership of her feelings, not blaming them directly on the other person.
I had a recent challenge which helped me affirm my progress and allowed me to own a mistake I made. I made an assumption. I needed something done and assumed he would know without my needing to verbalize it, so it was a set-up from the beginning, unintentional that it was. We got it clear and I’ve apologized for not communicating clearly. And what I’ve learned is that we are from different planets. We think differently; I lead with my brain in an emotional ‘over-thinking’ style and he leads from a logical, step 1 then step 2 kind of way. I can accept that and make some accommodations. I can’t change at age 55 nor do I feel the need to. What we can both do, together, is learn to adjust and adapt to our differing personalities.
Being in a relationship is never easy whether you’re 16 or 60. The issues change and the desire for certain characteristics in a partner vary over the years. Once we’ve reached this stage in life, we’ve probably had at least one partner and probably spent time alone.We are set in our ways and we carry wounds from our earlier forays in the love arena. It is possible to have a rewarding partnership with a full sexual life, emotional support, good communication, and a sense of mutual joy if we understand and respect ourselves and then our partners. It’s a work in progress, all the time.
Photo by Eekypooh@Flickr.com
