Note: This post contains educational, but explicit, language that may be offensive to some.
Is there such a thing as best practices for sexual activity between consenting adults? There are certainly considerations such as respect, consent and reciprocity, but no absolutes. Sexual practice hasn’t changed much over the years- there are no modern advances that have changed the fundamentals of lovemaking–with the exception of medication and contraception. We apply the same basic Insert Part A into Part B across the span of years.
For couples, both heterosexual and same sex, the dynamics change with age. A proud, virile 22 year old male may approach an evening of sex with the idea of having two or three orgasms. A female partner will consider birth control but most likely won’t contemplate the need for lubrication. Whereas, a 60 year old male might be grateful for one orgasm.
Websites that focus on healthy sexuality are full of questions and concerns from women and men about their sexual life. Some of the questions are medically related and many reveal lack of desire, mismatched expectations and other issues that 20-somethings rarely encounter or contemplate. Erectile dysfunction medicines can be prescribed and lubricants can be purchased. Those cover the basic problems we frequently encounter as late-in-life lovers, mainly focused on the act of intercourse and leaving out a wide array of options that might be more satisfying. I wrote on this topic in Sex After 50, Let’s Focus On the Positive Aspects of Sexuality, a blog post on Vibrant Nation, a website for older women.
I wonder, are we approaching sex with goal-oriented behavior? From a best practices model, the goals would need to be defined and shaped by the circumstances. As noted earlier, the 60-70 year old male cannot meet the same goals he could when he was 22, even with Viagra. Women who have difficulty achieving orgasms may find that even more challenging with age, due to menopausal changes and a partner’s sexual functionality. Couples find themselves experiencing frustrations based on this concept of what sex has always been defined as–by the media, by their past encounters, by cultural expectations. We have been told and therefore expect intercourse to be the main and often, only, vehicle for sexual satisfaction.
If the goal of a sexual encounter between two people over the age of 50 is to have intercourse-driven sex then anything less could be deemed a failure. If the goal is to achieve mutual satisfaction and pleasure the various methods and outcomes are broadened. No one need walk away feeling frustrated or as if they ‘failed’ somehow.
For example–He can get an erection but it’s not sufficient to allow for penetration. Yes, he could get one of the 3 ED drugs: Viagra, Cialis or Levitra. But, it may be that he can be aroused and, happily, brought to orgasm manually or orally. Touch, partial insertion, and other stimulating activities using toys or body parts can bring a high level of satisfaction. Many women find the act of pleasing a man to be very sexy and report arousal at giving that kind of pleasure. Playing together, a couple might be able to achieve mutual pleasure that may not meet the traditional definition of a sexual encounter. With or without orgasm for one or both partners. Admittedly, this is easier for women to accept as we have much more experience with satisfying sexual encounters that may not include orgasms.
Life is one long journey of adjustments and adaptations. Why would we expect our sexual experiences to be excluded? Our youthful impulsivity is tempered by all the responsibilities and challenges of growing older. But at each step in our journey we can and should strive for meaningful experiences–in and out of the bedroom. Our desire may change subtly and our physiological changes may present the need for some creative thinking in the bedroom. It is our perception, our understanding of mutual gratification that allows us, at any age, to have meaningful sexual experiences with our partners.
So, yes there is a best practices approach to sex and sexuality after age 50. Be open to exploring the depths of your relationship. Whether it’s a one-night stand or a 30 year marriage, bringing happiness and mutual joy is the best thing we can do for ourselves and our partner. It is achievable once we let go of more conventional thinking about what constitutes sexual activity and create our own definition.
How has the passage of time changed your sexual relationship? If you don’t want to comment publically, email your answer and I’ll post it anonymously.
photo found on minnpost.com
As I may have mentioned, I’ve been invited to blog at Vibrant Nation, a website for women over 50. I blog there for visibility and the opportunity to engage with a wider audience. Today I wrote a post about sex, menopause and women over 50. Here’s an excerpt from the post, entitled : Sex After 50- Let’s Focus On the Positive Aspects of Sexuality.
For women who are going through menopause or have safely arrived on the other side, there are so many confusing messages about sex. Add being single to the mix and you often feel a little like Alice in Wonderland.
It’s one thing to go through life changes and concerns about sagging body parts with a long-term partner who has experienced the passage of time with you. But, to start a new relationship and consider sex with a new person is daunting. Will he be turned off by the less than taut body or the drooping breast line. What if….. what if….. It requires a little mental preparation to head into the world of sex after 50.
Will he be able to have an erection? Suppose he’s flabby and covered with little skin tags and odd patches of white hair? Most conversations about sex after 50 focus on the issues women might have. A recent Vibrant Nation blog by Susan Lee Ward (the persona of VN) talks about the sexual problems older women face. The article is well written and I’m sure it addresses issues experienced by some post-menopausal women. And, since the point of the article is to address the topic of dyspareunia and other problems it is right on target. I say this respectfully, but the article is a bit of a scare for older women. It sounds as if we’re all having painful intercourse and might expect other problems. Or that if we don’t have sex our vaginas will atrophy and close up! Good heavens. Should I run out and ‘jump’ the mailman if he stops by today? To read the rest of the article…..
I’m challenged with my Intentional Selfishness program right now. I haven’t journaled or followed the 66 days activities in over a week. And, it may be that this very lack of connectedness is contributing to my feelings of the moment.
As the holidays roll around I can feel myself being buffeted by expectations and the general sense of what an ‘ideal’ holiday is meant to be like. I don’t buy into all the commercial hoopla but it does seep in, at some level.
And, of course mine won’t be anywhere near a traditional holiday season..not in that way… one son lives too far away to come home and there is a sense of emptiness for me tied into my feelings about being single. I live alone in a house that is too big for me but not very sell-able at this time in our real estate market. It needs work and a good bit of upkeep which I don’t feel like dealing with. I rattle around all alone and have to figure out ways to deal with things that require two sets of hands or someone with more physical strength than I have. Think Christmas tree, for one. Realistically, the appearance of a man upon the scene would brighten things up, but that alone is no real guarantee of anything. It’s challenging to fight that feeling of wanting more and wondering why I don’t have it.
My life is pretty good, though the last few weeks have brought a plethora of annoying malfunctions-from the coffee pot which mysteriously begins to grind coffee, to an unexplainable malfunctioning laptop ( which turned out to be a faulty wireless mouse, not laptop) to the fuel oil tank which ran dry on a cold Friday night at 7:31 PM. They’re not major, though highly inconvenient and without a doubt heaping stress where none was invited. I can list all the good things I have, the positives in my life yet when one feels the absence of something it can take on a disproportionate sense of imbalance. And, the holidays tend to exaggerate that for me.
So, I’ve been being selfish…but in the wrong kind of fashion. I’ve been feeling sorry for myself and looking at the gray hair and growing mid-line and wondering about my future. More wallowing than intentional thought. I know that holidays can be challenging for single people. And, I’m sure there is an antidote to the feelings.
I look forward to seeing one of my children and his family. I get to play grandma and as the little ones get older it becomes more fun. And I’ll focus on creating memories for the young ones, like my childhood memories. For the moments between the family get-togethers I’ll just have to come up with some creative ideas for what would nourish me appropriately.
One would think that with a full weekend I would have done a little more in-depth self care. Wrong. For some reason this weekend I needed to break my routines-sleep late, ignore some responsibilities and have no charted path. So, maybe in some ways I was following the Intentional Self-Care routine to the max?
I’ve spent too much time this week and almost all of Saturday dealing with an ailing computer. It was a major drain on my time, my money and my resources. But, as a writer, a functional, dependable computer is a necessity. I’m writing this post on a new computer. Sigh.
I find it hard to talk about selfishness in a way that doesn’t sound needy or selfish. I”m fulfilling my obligations-all of them-even the few that I don’t like. Even the one or two things in my life that bring me down and fill me with frustration and avoidance tactics. Why? Well, for the moment, they are obligations. Today I did some deep searching and have decided to get out of one of these situations. It doesn’t feel right. It’s really as simple as that. I’m doing something that doesn’t engage me or make me happy. And, I can’t see any real reason to continue down this path. It is a bit of a leap, but I’m used to these by now.
Tomorrow I will have the conversations that need to be had and then maybe I can talk about it. What’s important and what justified this post is about honoring self. I listened to my intuition. My face was pleasant and alert and conveyed, I hope, a “Can Do” attitude. With a little distance, and reflection I know I’m kidding myself and shortchanging others. I could go on with a list of excuses- I’m too old to do this, it stresses me….etc.
Ya wanna know what the real truth is? I’m doing something that doesn’t fit with my vision of myself. It doesn’t feel right and the reasons I’m doing it aren’t compelling enough for me to continue. If the whole 66 Days of Self-Care offer me nothing but this, it will have been well-worth my time. I’ve got clarity. No rhythm, but I’ve got clarity.
Joke, right. You got it didn’t you? No?
